Responding to Women in Abusive Relationships Work with women in abusive relationships begins with the awareness that she is an adult who, when given support, choices, safety and opportunity, can and will work in the safe and responsible interests of herself and her children. While often frustrating for service providers, the ambivalence, denial, and helplessness which often characterize women in abusive relationships are in fact learned messages which have allowed her to survive the abuse. By nurturing, giving in, pacifying, and anticipating the moods and needs of the abuser, a woman, while never able to control or stop the abuse, often buys time to leave, call for help, or decreases the severity or duration of the incident. Women in abusive relationships have often been socialized to consider others before themselves. Interveners ask the woman to completely change her beliefs and behaviours and place her needs first. This is a monumental task for any person and more difficult for women in abusive relationships whose confidence, esteem, and identity have been destroyed by the abuse. The ambivalence common to women in abusive relationships is raised by the struggle between caring for herself and the learned messages she has which tell her that: no one would believe her anyway leaving him is wrong as partnerships and marriages are for good and bad times leaving him is abandoning him when he is sick or has severe problems leaving him splits up the family and he is a good provider/good father leaving him could be fatal to her, the children, or significant others or to him if he becomes suicidal The expected response when people have difficulty in relationships or marriages is that they work together to address and solve the problems. This concept in woman abuse is neither safe nor workable. Traditional methods such as couple counselling are not effective or safe while abuse exists. Service providers must recognize that expecting women to leave or begin focussing on themselves and their safety and needs is a complete and total deviation from what they have learned. It is not usually what would be suggested regarding any other problem. Service providers need to understand that for a woman to leave an abusive relationship she must: begin feeling, thinking and acting in her own interests with clarity, strength and decisiveness even though she has endured abuse and may or may not have been taught these qualities prior to the abuse act in spite of the threats of harm to her, to himself, or to the children used by the abuser and simultaneously take action to protect herself and her children accept and deal with the reality that leaving will place her in further and unpredictable danger ignore the threats of losing the children ignore or refuse to answer his constant phone calls where he cries, pleads, tells her he can't live without her, begs her to return or promises anything she wants in return for coming home or letting him come back understanding that his threats of suicide are tactics and not her responsibility ignore the shock and disbelief of friends and colleagues who thought he was a nice guy and cannot believe he would hurt her ignore the statements of people or service providers who subtly or blatantly tell her it was her fault, it couldn't have been that bad, she had to be part of the problem cope with the sadness and insecurity of her children who miss Daddy and plead with her to take them home cope with finding a way to financially support herself and her children accept that often, at least temporarily, she has lost her home and security deal with all this and attempt to remain strong and decisive As a result of the barriers listed above, women may leave and return many times during their process of working through these issues.